The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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