I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
