I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
