Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
