he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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