I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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