apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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