There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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