I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
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He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
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The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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