I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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