he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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