If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"