it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.