i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
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If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
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The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!