i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...