How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
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We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
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Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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