dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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