my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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