Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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