Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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