those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
