I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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