i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
