Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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