My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
should my penis look like a turkey
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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