dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Randomize
