dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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