My boss' voice literally gives me gas
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
