You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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