My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
