who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
