It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
