Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
