dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
