Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
