R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
