I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
