Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
