I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
