The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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