my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
