I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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