I never want to see another naked old woman again.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We're too hungover to prance.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
