I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
