my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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