oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
