I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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