Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I pour the whiskey from now on
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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