we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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