Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
