Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
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Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
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This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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