he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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