Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
