I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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