Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
