Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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