Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
