I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
