The brown eye won't let me do that either.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
