Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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