eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
