I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You were trust falling into bushes
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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