Cold hands, warm shart.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She's the barista slut.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
