Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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